...A Few More Weekly Musings
How about another round of musings from moi whilst listening to the song “Flightless Bird, American Mouth" by Iron & Wine - https://youtu.be/RGVmhrfQqzg
Bad Days & Quiet Nights
I am nocturnal. This means when the rest of the world sleeps, I stay awake. I usually do a lot of internet surfing for movies and TV shows during this time. But mostly, I spend these moments wishing my life was something different. I stay awake, avoiding sleep, just to ponder the alternate realities that my life could be. It’s sad. It’s almost pathetic but most times, it helps make my day feel a little less dreary.
I’m at that stage of my life where a lot is not going well. I am 32 and unemployed. I am single. I have only managed to self-publish one book (sold a handful of copies). I come in contact, daily, via social media with others whose lives are ones I envy. People who have their shit together. I spend most of my days sending LinkedIn applications and getting more rejection emails than I get callbacks for interviews. In fact, this week, I got a callback and it didn’t go well.
It’s sad, I know. So, I try to make up for it at night. I try to find some semblance of peace in my head when everyone else is drowned in their slumber. At these moments, I feel like I am elevated above everyone else. I feel like no judgemental eyes are on me for not having achieved anything significant in life. In the stillness of the dark night and the mist of the dawning morning, I feel less scared about how shit my life is. The bad days are drowned by the quiet nights. And until something changes, who knows, there may never be better days.
Crushes & Crutches
They say no one is too busy for the people they deeply care about. I believe it speaks to how special you are in someone’s life when they make time in their busy schedule to spend with you. In fact, it is a mark of respect when someone you care about can stop during their day to check on you without you needing to remind them. I think that’s what love is: never being too busy to be there for the one you love.
But, I don’t have a lover, just a crush, so none of the shit I said above means anything to me. My crush is pretty and gorgeous. She’s spectacular. We shared contacts and without wasting a moment, I professed my undying crush on her. I enamored her with my flowery poetry and my ebullient words of affirmations, smoothed over with a bit of flirty undertext. Her replies have warmed my heart. When she says “Thank you” after two days, my stomach flutters. When she types “This is so sweet, Mifa” after five days of waiting, I feel special. She’s got my heart and I haven’t failed to tell her this numerous times.
But this week, I did something stupid. I had the guts to call her out on her epileptic replies. I told her I cared about her truly but that the affection seemed one-sided. I told her I wanted more from her than the crutches that her sparse replies offered me. It was a terrible move. Why? Because you don’t make demands on your crush for their time. You simply sit with your crumbs and be grateful. Crushes are not lovers, they do not owe you their time.
They give what they know is just enough to keep you hopping along behind them, chasing the high that one little whiff of their appreciation would offer.
I flew too close to the sun and now I burn with desire for the crumbs I seemed so eager to let go. Anyway, I texted her again. I took back all I said. Chalked it all up to a lapse in judgment. Honestly, I’d rather hold on to the crutches she offers than be crippled without her affectionate crumbs.
It’s day three. She’s yet to reply. It’s like I never left.
Bullies & Scammers
I spend a chunk of my time online, usually perusing the mean streets of Twitter (now X). I find it soothing. It’s like window shopping except the only commodities are people’s unhinged, biased, ignorant, and sometimes, novel ideas and thoughts. (Oh, and Twitter Porn is great too, by the way). Basically, Twitter is where I get to learn as much as I want to about stuff I have no need for. For example, this week, I learned that one lady believes —genuinely— that having had her father pour pepper down her nether region (vagina) because of something she did wrong as a kid did not necessarily register to her as abuse. Apparently, the next day he prepared a dish of vegetable soup for her, so all was well with the world.
It was a day on Twitter like every other day on Twitter. Opinions flew back and forth on whether or not our parents were justified in their forms of discipline since we all turned out brilliantly (note my sarcasm). As with most discussions on Twitter, everyone believed their own opinion was superior and more reasonable than the other. I too believed the same. But as opposed to getting into a “who had it worse” contest, I decided to think of my parents as deviously flawed humans who tried to do their best with what they had. It doesn’t excuse the abuse disguised as discipline, but at least no pepper was poured into any vaginas in our home.
Bad parenting aside, this week also revealed the identity of our very own Twitter swindler. A man with so much talent that a throwback of his time as a rapper was released as news of his notoriety spread. As usual, everyone on Twitter acted surprised that women could be swindled and those who weren’t, swore by their loved ones that they could never fall for such cheap scams. I find such sentiments funny because it almost feels like the similar sense of delusion that most of us share about how we somehow believe we would be better parents than our parents were. In my experience, people who think no one can get the better of them are rarely ever right. One of my followers succinctly sums my thoughts up when she tweeted the phrase, “…everyone is wise until it’s their own story.”
And that’s about it…
I hope no one gets swindled in the future. If you do though, remember it could happen to anybody, you’re not stupid, you were just conned. Also, shout out to all the brave parents out there being kind to their kids regardless of how annoying those little humans can be. You guys are the real MVPs.
And to any potential parent thinking the old way of discipline is justified simply because you seem well-adjusted, I suggest you ask yourself a simple question: are you really well-adjusted or would you rather not think about it too much? Children should be nurtured not tortured.
Anyhoo, it’s back to the quiet nights and bad days for me. See you all on the other side.
Cheers!
Man like Mifa, these musings remind me of how talented you are at running commentary on the happenings around you while also interspersing it with what's going on in your life.
These musings also have a diaristic feel to them and I believe years from now, they'll serve as a time capsule into a lot of things for not just you but for your readers. So in light of the disappointments, please take solace in the fact that you're documenting.
Don't worry about the crush, like the head of the mythical hydra, if one is chopped off, two appear in it's stead.
Cheers bro.
I know there are heavy stuff in this post but I must confess that I haven’t been listening to the accompanying music you usually recommend. That changed today, and I am realizing how much of a mistake that was in my part. I brought this up because I want solicit that you please consider adding Spotify link to those songs ‘cause it’s much easier to have it playing in the background than it is with YouTube. Also, amazing person you are, man. We appreciate the vulnerability. I’m not one of those people to proclaim that everything will work out, but I am genuinely rooting for you!