For Her...
...I honestly cannot wait to see the world marvel at your unveiling genius when the time is right...
For me, it started off as "let me even see if she will get in touch with me if she doesn't hear from me for a while". In my mind, it made sense since most of the time I was the one always initiating contact. I'd call most times and you would probably miss the call and not call back; other times, you would pick up, we'd talk for a while and then you'd say you would call back but then never do; then I'd call again and somehow it would seem as though you never recalled mentioning that you would call me back previously and I’d let it slide. So, it made sense for me to want to see if maybe I was just reading too much into these actions or inactions, or maybe I could clearly infer that you didn't see me as someone who was worth putting an effort to stay in touch with. Therefore, after that Saturday, when you left my apartment, I decided to try out this experiment.
Well, try out I did, and I honestly won't say I am surprised at what the outcome indicated. I think I low-key may have even expected it. Not only have you, in the past, hinted at how terrible you were with staying in touch, my experience with you even when you were making a bit of an effort, also reinforced that fact. But honestly, a part of me, in doing this so-called experiment hoped I would be proven wrong. I mean, why wouldn't I? You are a special woman and when I think of how we got to the point of just chatting and then to locking lips and roughing up bed sheets, it was hard for some part of me not to have hoped that I would be wrong. But more than anything, I hoped that you would at least make an effort; an effort to check up on the one person who, a lot of times in the past, had always made quite the effort to do the same for you. If only wishes were horses though, eh.
However, I must say that despite the outcome of my possibly ill-conceived and self-centered experiment, I hold no angst towards you. I could never. Writing this, I remember your smile, and I am almost swept with emotion. I remember that one time in my living room when I was making a god-awful attempt at seduction but could not quite get my wandering fingers to find the right spot. I remember you laughing it off as you stood to your feet and then led me into the bedroom (my couch was mighty uncomfortable). I remember how soft your skin felt against my lips as I traced the unseen lines and contours of your ample bosom and took a step back to gaze at the beauty of your naked form. I remember how comfortable yet vulnerable I was with you and you with me at that moment (we even laughed mid kissing) and how much I wanted to impress you with my trumped-up sexual prowess but could also sense that all you wanted from me was to simply be present at the moment and enjoy it. And I remember trying to do just that and feeling the bliss of satisfaction as the after-effects of our lovemaking ushered us into dreamland.
But I digress. Thinking of you and our time together does this to me a lot. However, I very well understand that you have so much going on in your life that it is hard to keep track of everything else. Trust me, it happens to even the worst of us. I also understand that you are often so busy with a job that pays you shite despite all the hard work you put into it, yet you remain loyal to doing your bid just because it is who you are. I recall reading your first medium piece/story a few weeks back and although most of the things you mentioned in it were already stuff you had told me, it still helped cement some insights and offer some perspective of what it is you have gone through and are going through so far. It also, sadly brought more realization for me to the forefront, the most potent of which is that no matter how much I claim to care about you, all I probably can ever do for you is to empathize. And without mincing words, I sincerely apologize for this because, for the first time in my life, empathy just seems insufficient.
Indeed, in setting up my so-called experiment, I was hoping that even in your busiest or worse days you would maybe remember me and maybe reach out to say just say "hi" or that you missed me, just so we can get to chat and catch up and I get to ask you “if anybody was looking for your trouble?” and you get to reply “You know you will be the first person I call if they were” and then we both laugh or maybe further gossip about how your neighbors are always playing loud music in your compound or your mother is always setting you up to go for deliverance with her pastor or minister, hoping you would be cured of your perceived “no husband” syndrome. Yes, I hoped for all these but in a way, I must say that I understand that hoping for this may likely just be my self-centeredness talking and I am willing to admit that a lot of times what we perceive as care or love, is nothing more than narcissism. Yes, I understand that the world - your world - does not revolve around me and as much as I wanted to actually feel a sense of importance in your life, I know for a fact that you have other pressing concerns that you ought to prioritize first. So, again I empathize.
And I also apologize.
I am sorry I cannot be the sort of Prince Charming that would arrive at the nick of time to come in one fell swoop and save you from the dreary clutches of depression, uncertainty, and its many ghastly cohorts. I am sorry that despite my ego trying to tell me differently, or even despite the fact that you may say differently, I know that at least one of our sexual encounters was probably not as good as you would have loved it to be. I am also sorry that you have had to take on so much for your family and I personally know for a fact that this can be such a huge burden to bear but sadly, most times the only form of support I can offer is merely to chat you up or call you and tell you "better days ahead, dear" or some other variation of that platitude. Yes, as a writer, I know that words mean a lot and hold so much power and whatnot, but as a human, I also know for a fact that actions reach even further. And I daresay, the same goes for inaction too.
So, I wrote this just to let you know that I completely understand why you failed the experiment and I hope that you in turn understand why I carried it out too.
I am more than happy to always be your friend/lover/supporter/cheerleader from afar. I know you will go on to do great things and I honestly cannot wait to see the world marvel at your unveiling genius when the time is right. And I hope, more than anything, that you stay true to your beliefs and that someday you can find the peace and happiness that you seek.
Goodbye, dear.