How deep is your grudge?
This article is best enjoyed whilst listening to the song "Next Episode Starts In 15 Seconds" by Johnny Lloyd https://youtu.be/fu9DQ_EKC5w
Forgive me, Reader. For I have sinned.
It’s been seven weeks since my last newsletter. I know you do not really care to know why I went AWOL but since I feel the conviction to bear my soul out on these pages, I reckon I owe you an explanation even if you wouldn’t care less.
The last time I wrote, I wrote about Abigail Mac, one of my all-time favorite adult entertainment actresses. I tried to talk about how our perceptions of the lives of those we believe engage in what most would deem morally reprehensible are only limited to our own egos and insecurities. Turns out, I was spot on. Not only did I recently discover that my perceptions, no matter how strong or heartfelt they were, are basically just that - mine - I discovered that it had no bearing on the next person and that learning to embrace such truism offers one the opportunity to be at peace with one’s own limitations.
I recently held a silent (2 days) grudge with someone over the fact that I was going through a period of hardship and uncertainty in my life and this someone (I’ll call her X-woman) never got in touch with me to know how I was doing. X-woman and I have been friends for a while and we had a sort of bond that I expected made me see her as someone who was dear to my heart. And as you and I know, when we go through tough times, we often expect that those dear to us can be there for us to help us weather the storms of life.
Yeah, that shit only happens in the movies. But I never realized this until the second day into my grudge, which as most immature grudges go, went without X-woman even knowing that I had said grudge with her.
Anyways, back to the storms of life and dear ones’ schtick. So, the second day into my grudge with X-woman, I got a Whatsapp text from a number I did not have saved on my phone and the string of messages was as follows:Hello Mifa
Good evening
I know it might actually be d wrong time
But my name is X-woman2
An old friend of Mifa
On seeing the name “X-woman2” I immediately realized who the person was and the truth that often hits us and brings us down in humility when we start to think too much of ourselves hit me.
I too was someone that X-woman2 considered as a very dear friend. In fact, I recall months back being one of the few people she told of her predicament of moving to another city without any prior preparations simply because a better job offer was waiting for her there. I also recall her telling me of how the responsibilities on her shoulders were getting too much to bear and I, aptly, advised that she should make sure she is only focused on what makes her happy and offers her peace of mind. I also recall somewhere down the line that X-woman2 had some family issues that forced her to return to the city she left just to take care of her mum. And then I remember losing my job and everything else about everybody else’s life faded to oblivion, including X-woman2’s.
I guess at this point, this story basically writes itself. My grudge with X-woman had just as quickly fizzled away when I realized that in my angst and frustrations towards X-woman for not being there for me when I was presumably at my lowest, I failed to realize that often times prioritizing between our own struggles and those of others, it is almost instinctive to prioritize ours.
Not only did I fail to realize that life happens to everyone, but I was also so quick to project my expected perceptions of how a friend or dear one was expected to act in relation to my own issues, totally oblivious to the fact that my perceptions should never be an obligation for them.
Getting that WhatsApp text from X-woman2 was the wake-up call for me. I chatted her back and alas, so much had happened to her since the last time we were in contact. In fact, a week before, she was involved in a vehicular accident on her way back to her base in the new city. Thankfully she only sustained minor injuries and was on her way to recovering fully but I was shaken to the core being face-to-face with my own selfish perceptions.
Ideally, I know that we have expectations of our friends and loved ones and we would not necessarily group them as such if they did not fill a sort of special void in our existence. But sadly, the issue with that sort of status that we give to them is that often we forget that their sole function as beings is not to cater to our whims and mishaps. Yes, your dear friend or loved ones should empathize with you at your lowest but empathy is not exclusive to the number of times they checked up on you or how often they call and asked after your wellbeing (even if that is something you as a person would do for your friends, expecting such in return is a tad-bit selfish, forget all that yarns about matching energies and shit).
I would say that after my chit-chat with X-woman2, I was inspired to text X-woman to check up on her. And it was no surprise that as we got talking some more, she shared that she too had been dealing with some pretty heavy stuff on her own but reckoned it was best she did not dump it on anyone else, especially her dear friends.
Clearly, she’s a better human than I am.
I never told her about my 2-day old grudge with her because I realized it was one less thing for her to be worried about. The last thing I would want for someone I care about is for them to add the uncertainty of my feelings for them to the pile of shit that life dishes out. Instead, I would hope that even in those days or moments where their phones are silent and not chiming with a message notification from me because I am too busy ducking the shit life is throwing at me as well, they are able to still realize that at the end of each day, I will be at the other end always rooting for them, albeit silently, and never doubting that they too are doing the same for me.
And maybe someday in the future when there is less shit to duck from life, we can sit down and talk about that one time I held a 2-day old grudge with them because I thought everything about their life revolved selfishly around mine.
Or maybe I won’t.
Fuck! My phone don fall inside water. Nice shit throwing aim, life, nice one.
That was 7 weeks already? Seems like only yesterday that I read your Abigail newsletter.
About today's article, I'm guilty too. Not for keeping grudges but for being distant from my friends even when they need me. I don't know what it is but when I'm going through difficult times, I deal with it by withdrawing from people and coming back when all the darkness is over. So in the same way, I assume everyone is like me and choose to give them space when they are now in a good place, not realizing that everyone is not like me, that some people in fact need support from their friends.
Thank you for this piece... It's always a delight to read from you, Mifa 🤗
Less deep! I can relate with this and I think I have come to terms with this a long time. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and for willing to reachout to X-woman. I strongly believe there is light at the end of tunnel and things will take shape pretty soon!