On: Nothing Needs to be Said
This article is best enjoyed whilst listening to the song "Solace" by Enya - https://youtu.be/pvsS-0nJg6I
A while back, there was a tragic story of a woman who lost five of her kids in a devastating fire at their home. The news came with pictures of the coffins of these kids and the woman in tears being held back by family members. It was a painful sight to behold. Five kids dead in one day. Personally, I cannot even begin to fathom the kind of pain the woman must be going through, and as though someone read my thought, underneath the tweet about this story, I recall that someone had asked the question, "how would she ever cope with such a tragic loss?"
Honestly, I don't think anyone could ever answer that. The truth is that even in our show of empathy and solidarity, we could never come close to understanding what she must be going through. Indeed, one can say that for those of us who have lost people we loved or cared about, it is possible that we may have an inkling as to what grieving entails. However, if we were to strip such suppositions of its generalized nature and were to be totally honest with ourselves, then we'd easily come to the conclusion that empathetic as it sounds when we say to others, "I understand how you must feel", that statement in itself may not be entirely true.
I am of the firm belief that of all the emotions that exist in this world – negative and positive – grief stands atop as the most personal and hard felt. Two people can lose the same person and still grieve differently. There are hundreds of books and guides on how to love but you'd hardly find books on how to properly grieve, except it is written by folks trying to sell the bloated idea of inner tranquility or some shit.
Basically, I believe the reason why there are fewer or non-existent guides for grieving stems from the true nature of what grieving is. Grieving isn’t "dealing" with the loss of a loved one, as most people are wont to think, but rather, it is “living” with such a loss. Now, while the former might seem like the ideal thing to do, the latter speaks more to the reality of those who grieve.
Think of how many times you must have heard someone say something like, "Oh, the other day, I saw a button on the floor, and it reminded me of the button on my father's favorite jacket. I stopped and began crying. I miss him so much." From the outside looking in, most of us may wince at this and wonder, "but how can a button do that?" And yes, it may seem like a bit of a stretch to find connections where there aren’t any but truthfully, maybe it isn't.
Dealing with Grief
"Dealing with grief” suggests that people eventually get to a point where the pain of their loss doesn't hurt them as much as it did when the loss had initially occurred. And while this might seem likely due to how often a lot of us move on with our lives even after the loss of those we deeply care about, it doesn't take into consideration the power of our emotional minds in finding patterns in places where, ideally, there may not be any.
Dealing with grief means coming to terms with the loss and chalking it up to fate or some other cosmic event that just had to happen. And yes, in a lot of ways, that may be helpful in getting you through the early days of such a loss. However, doing so often provides your mind with an excuse to bury whatever hurt you feel underneath a heap of varying thoughts and emotions.
Typically, you find that in "dealing with grief”, what most of us do, is find ways to avoid it. We suddenly stop saying the names of those we lost. We even box up all their stuff and keep them in storage, just so we are not reminded of their absence. Sometimes, people around us are quick to change the topic whenever their names come up or memories of them are recalled. Basically, in dealing, we find ways to tiptoe around the pain and instead become content with simply hiding the scar.
Living with Grief
On the other hand, "living with grief” forces us to keep the memories of those we loved alive despite how painful the recollection of their demise may hurt or haunt us. Our waking moment, painful as it would be, would have us waking up with some part of their essence with us and then going about our own lives fully aware that there is something else missing in ours.
Living with grief is living with the constant trickery of your mind making connections with random things that remind you of those you lost and not feeling as though you owe anyone an explanation on why this happens. It is being able to remember them for as long as you live and be willing to cry or smile whenever their memories come up and not feel like you need to hide your tears.
Living with grief is knowing that there is no time frame for you to "get over them". Why? Because if truly these were people you loved, then "getting over them" should not even be an option to be considered. Living with grief is coming to terms with the loss of a loved one and yet not coming to terms with it – if that makes any sense.
The Myth of Managing Grief
I find that it is often easy to tell people how best to manage their grief than obey such abstract rules ourselves. Even those of us who have lost someone dear to us, are quick to assume that because we are currently at a place in our lives where we are no longer bawling our eyes in tears, then that somehow indicates that we have successfully managed our grief. This couldn't be farther from the truth.
Managing grief depends solely on everyone’s emotional state of mind. What worked for you when you lost your parents might not work for the next person who also lost their parents. And it is a bit naive to think that just because you both lost your parents it is easy to proffer them with tips on how to manage their grief.
Nevertheless, this does not mean it is impossible to provide some sort of help to those who grieve that may help them in some way. On the contrary, as humans, one of the common traits we share is our sense of togetherness in times of death. So, indeed, you can let people who are grieving know that you are there for them if they need anything or want to talk about how they are feeling, not because you understand, but simply because you would like to listen or maybe even share a hug.
Often, all people want in the darkest moments of their lives is just a shoulder to cry on and a warm hug or two. Nothing needs to be said. No “aspire to perspire” motivational crap needs to be uttered. Just a shoulder to lean on or even a kind smile to reassure them, that as a friend, you plan on being there for them through this tough time. And who knows, maybe the best way to manage grief, after all, is simply helping people remember that they are free to grieve however they want.
So, I guess it is worth saying to that woman who had tragically lost five of her kids in a fire, that as a community, and as human beings, while we have no idea what she must be going through, we empathize in our shared hurt and silence. And we sincerely hope, regardless of our varying beliefs, that the gentle souls of all her kids rest on peacefully.
Cheers.
You words are just beautiful!!