Random musings at 3 am

This article is best enjoyed whilst listening to the song “Coolin” by Jacob Banks, Adekunle Gold, and Samm Henshaw — https://open.spotify.com/track/1Yy8ZVrOvISrzbYqvm3qck?si=HsLkWv_dQQeQZdEmK6YBIQ&cont

I’m full awake. Prepared for the new work week but knowing I might never truly be. I remember a time I was excited about work. Now, not so much.

Everything feels like a chore —life feels like an endless scrub on a floor that’s constantly been stepped on with muddy shoes. It’s exhausting.

I am struggling to find reprieve. My smiles aren’t as genuine. Not sure they ever were. Despair caresses me like a lover starved for attention.

I’m not depressed. But I sometimes don’t mind sharing it’s name.

I just published a short story collection. A desperate attempt to spark joy —to feel relevant; to coax my subconscious to believing that I have some value to remain here.

Someone told me to be audacious —well, not really. She just referenced someone she admired who went through life with audacity. She said she envied this person. She suggested I find what others are doing that I’m not that’s probably making them more successful.

I thanked her. But it brought tears to my eyes. The reality that sometimes even empathy isn’t enough. Sometimes empathy is clueless to pain. Sometimes empathy is left dumbfounded in the face of despair.

My despair is soaked into my bones. I dance with it. I laugh with it. On most days, it lets me enjoy a semblance of peace. On other days, it reminds me that it owns the house that is my mind.

On such days I can only hope it doesn’t choose to evict me. Or worse, decide to burn the house down with me trapped inside.

It’s 3 am. Good night.