Rejection & Acceptance
For my next trick, I’ll attempt to write a good piece with a backdrop of a somber song like Jules Cruise's "Mysteries of Love" —https://open.spotify.com/track/0jF5G6LnVRX92gFTnKxIbx?si=9b6a684fb11d457
Two days ago, I woke up to a call from a recruitment agent informing me that I got a job offer. The call came in at about 4 pm in the afternoon. I remember feeling a bit groggy. The recruiter informed me that I needed to provide a verbal acceptance of the offer. She listed the benefits and I listened. But I remember thinking to myself, “Mifa, you should be more excited about this. Why aren’t you?”
Almost as though the recruiter read my thoughts, she made a comment about my lack of excitement.
“I have to say you are not as excited as I thought you would be. I just had a conversation with another lady who was offered a management role and she was ecstatic over the phone. You don’t sound like you are excited.”
I remember feeling a bit guilty after she said this. Of course, I should be excited about a job offer. It’s been seven months of unemployment so far. There I was, being given an offer that —although was way below my expectations in terms of remuneration— had a few shiny benefits to compensate. It felt selfish of me to not be ecstatic —ungrateful, even.
So, I did what most people do when confronted about their apathy: I tried to explain it away. I tried to justify my indifference to the recruiter in a bid to allay her concerns and shroud mine. Soon after, I found myself verbally agreeing to the offer. The call ended. The next day, I sent an email declining the offer. But this time, I didn’t try to explain my apathy, I just clarified it as professionally as I could.
With some time now passed, I realized the true reason for my apathy. I realized that in the moment of verbally accepting the offer, I seemed to have recognized my lurking desperation. I was desperate enough to have gone along with the lengthy interviewing process. I was desperate enough to not have accepted that there were some tell signs that spoke to this job not being what I was looking for exactly.
But I daresay, desperation is like hope —although more cynical. It allows you to believe that what you desire can just as easily be replaced with what is available. I was desperate —I had and have been for months. I reckon, in another version of events, I’d have grabbed for the offer with sweaty palms. Indeed, there’s no worse feeling than inadequacy. Yet, an even worse feeling is having to settle for less.
Desperation forces you to hope that what you have chosen to settle for can and may be worth it in the long run. Sadly, life is rarely that considerate. Desperation paints a picture of ideal possibilities; a mirage to cloud your mind from the truth. It convinces you to take the lemons life offers, no questions asked, convincing you it might just be the best offer you would ever get.
Desperation convinces you to take the lemons life offers, no questions asked, convincing you it might just be the best offer you would ever get.
I think of myself as lucky enough to have someone who was there to talk with me through my decision. Heck, I am not sure if declining the offer is still the best decision I’ve made in retrospect. However, I am certain it is a decision I feel relieved about making. I am thankful to have the presence of mind to know what I am worth and actively choose to only accept the offer(s) that match that.
But then again, maybe my decision was naive. Maybe I have doomed myself by rejecting the offer. But nah, I doubt that. A few days before I received the job offer, I got an email acceptance for one of my short stories from a Literary Magazine. Brittle Paper is set to publish one of my short stories in the coming months.
It was my fifth short story submission to them in the past two years. I remember reading the email and feeling… ecstatic. A pure blissfulness at being seen for what I was worth. I walked on cloud nine all day after that email.
I guess some things are worth the wait.
Cheers!
***
P.S. Here’s a grainy picture of me looking cute.