Welcome to 30!
This article is best enjoyed whilst listening to the song "Holding us back" by Katie Herzig. https://youtu.be/Vlq3NHT1SBQ
The past few months have been tough, and it gets tougher with each passing day. I'm at a point in my life where I feel lost and uncertain of the future not because I'm not optimistic but because I am too realistic. I go through each day, gritting my teeth and pushing hard against the tide of depression that pushes back at me, and each night (some sleepless) I stare into the abyss of fear and anxiety.
Tomorrow has become a dread; today, torture. Each passing moment, I make very painful efforts to remind myself to live in the moment but most times I am only able to settle on surviving the moment. Life has not been kind to me in the way I ought to have the guts to say, "thank you", but it also has not been cruelling enough to me in a way I ought to say, "damn you!" However, what it has been to me, is indifferent to my sadness and silent pain. The seconds have kept ticking on regardless of my wallowing. Each day passes me by without looking back to see if my bruised knee was bleeding out.
I have always hated birthdays because I reckon, they are a reminder of our numbered days and endangered moments in life. And my hatred is ever so deepened by the fact that on this day, today, I official stand atop the starting point of what is called "midlife" and looking out from this position onto to the vast expanse of the future, all I see is the blur of uncertainty and the mirage of hope. And ideally, this has made me feel unable to take a step forward because in looking far out into the future, my vision is limited to only what lies in front of me and so all that's beside and around me are lost to the back of my gaze.
But I reckon that if I were to take a moment from staring into the future, I might have a chance to look to my sides and see the few people besides me, smiling and blowing kisses of joy and hope. I reckon amongst these people I'd find my mother sharing her gorgeous smile with me whilst flashing embarrassing pictures of me in my primary school days.
I reckon I'd also see Tomi, despite how tough her own life has been, sending me a hilarious video of her chewing bread and making a playful and lewd remark of how her chewing was a sample of how she was going to [redacted] me soon or maybe I’d find her asking me if I’d like to eat cake or Chicken Republic Refuel meal.
I also reckon my dad would be on the other side, telling me how I was a great son, almost bringing me to tears.
I reckon in the mix there would also be my siblings, each of them smiling at me and reminding me of how much I inspire them (even though it is getting more difficult to be inspired myself). And I reckon that I'd also have the company of a few friends and acquaintances; their kind faces in focus enough for me to smile back, knowingly, at each and every one of them; aware of the fact that none of them are obligated to be standing beside me but chose to do so, regardless.
Indeed, I believe that one of the biggest issues about constantly looking forward into the future and seeing its bleakness is how it can easily rob us of a chance to look around and appreciate those with whom, our arduous journeys are tied to. So, maybe even for a moment, in this hell that has become my life, I would take the time to look around and say "thank you" to the smiling faces of loved ones that have kept me just a little bit sane as I keep fighting against the rushing tides of bleakness.
Happy birthday, Mifa! Welcome to 30!!
You write so beautifully, Mifa
Thank you for this piece.
Happy 30th birthday to you 🎉