On: Whatever This Is...
This article is best enjoyed whilst listening to the song "Dreams" by The Cranberries - https://youtu.be/Yam5uK6e-bQ
It’s been a rough few weeks for me. I’m currently in between jobs and what that should mean is that I now have all the time in the world to do as I please. But that’s not the case. Instead, I have discovered that sometimes having all the time in the world is as intangible as being able to trap the entire ocean inside a bottle.
Notwithstanding, it has been a ride, I can tell you that much. I’ve gone from sleeping all day to not sleeping at all and then back to sleeping all day. The few moments of lucidity I do sometimes get during the day often leave me pondering on the inane or the bizarre or sometimes the macabre. I question my sense of pride and what drives me or had driven me prior to my current state with the hope being that with some bit of reflection, I can appreciate the fact that whatever this is, it is not some inescapable permanence but just a temporary glitch that should soon be fixed.
However, if you’re reading from me for the first time then you probably should know this about me before proceeding: I am not very optimistic. Yes, being in between jobs is not the end of the world but when you’re me, stubbing a toe or having a rat run past your kitchen floor can spell doom unless you find a way to fix it. Sadly the current state I find myself in is not one I can easily find a solution to. I can’t take painkillers as I would for a stubbed toe or get my broomstick ready to hunt to the death as I would for a rat frolicking uninvited in my kitchen; instead, this state of mine demands that I do something I hate doing - wait.
It’s been barely three weeks since my job ended and yet it feels like an entire lifetime has passed. Ideally, I have tried to do things to take my mind off of worrying. In fact, for the first time in a long time, I went out a few weeks before. I visited a place called “The Alice Garden” with a friend. I took pictures. I smiled. It didn’t help. I took another leap: I went out to try the experience of painting and as fulfilling as that was the high fizzled just as quickly as the paint dried up on the canvas I was provided to paint with.
I know how much all these sound like a grown-ass man just being a whiny baby. I also know how tricky it is to have to try to see your own blessings when others are struggling with their individual tragedies. I know how gratitude sometimes helps people move forward and seek some semblance of peace because they are able to see past the limitations of their current situations; and yet knowing all these, what I am simply trying to say is that I’m that guy that still feels shitty regardless, especially when my life is not going as I’d hope.
And I really want to say I believe it is something I’d get past but I’d be lying through my teeth because, in some way, this sort of disconnect (for lack of a better word) has become quite addictive. It’s not so much that I enjoy the terrible feeling of having to doubt my purpose with every major setback that hits me, but that with each of these setbacks one constant has always been this very familiar feeling of dread. So much so that it feels like in some way when the inevitable hits, I feel vindicated in my pessimism.
In simpler terms, I’m the pessimist that looks forward to the result of my own pessimism hitting me hard in the face, not because I enjoy the pain of being hit hard but because it is the one certainty I can trust would never not be true. Life is pain. And the more I think about it, the more I see a pattern. It’s one where I stand close to the ledge, certain I won’t jump off of it but hopeful that there might come a strong wind of circumstance that pushes me off it. This way, in my fall I could easily hold someone, nay, something else culpable.
And in all honesty, I’m not even sure if “the strong wind” really exists or if it’s just my imagining there to be one. But what I am sure of is that with every passing moment, the feeling of this familiar dread intensifies as I continue to try to wait this out…
…whatever this is.
On: Whatever This Is...
I'm sure you know this too will pass. Just like every other setbacks you must have experienced in life.... If it doesn't drown you, remember that a little optimism would have made the bad days easier to survive.